I'm not even kidding

A coworker was telling me today that there was a time in her life when fresh bread was delivered to her family's house early in the mornings. Every once in a while, she would sneak out of bed, grab the loaf of yummy goodness, and eat the entire thing in one sitting. She'd sneak back to bed and play dumb when her husband complained that the bread delivery hadn't come.

I nodded in total understanding. I have eaten some crazy things when I've been depressed or bored or sad. When I was a little girl, I'd sneak tube frosting when my mother wasn't looking. You know--that colored processed sugary frosting in a tube meant for fancy cake frostings. Squirted straight in my little mouth. When she went to frost a cake and the tubes were practically empty, she knew to yell at me. Another favorite was sprinkles. I loved the rainbow sprinkles, but the chocolate ones were so soft and easy to pour into my mouth, chew, and swallow when I thought I heard someone coming.

I've eaten an entire box of Honey Smacks in one sitting. An entire bag of chips. An entire bag of honey mustard pretzel bites. Oh, and a bag of powdered sugar. Not in one sitting, but I kept it in a drawer and would eat it by the spoonfuls when I felt in need. I'm not even kidding.

Knowing what I'm capable of scares me. When I am watching my diet and I blow it on a piece of chocolate, I know that I could have eaten the entire box of chocolates. And I'm surprised I didn't. So maybe I will. Because I already blew it, so who cares now? I couldn't even make it one day and I'm just a big, fat failure. I'll start again tomorrow. Or maybe Sunday, since that's a new week. Or Monday, since it's easier to watch what I eat on work days.

When I do that, I am defining myself as my sin. I am saying, "I am undisciplined and have no self-control and am always messing up." I even go further in my definition: "I am fat and ugly and worthless and a failure." When I believe that and eat the second piece of chocolate and then the rest of the box and then whatever else I can find, I am rejecting who God says I am--His beautiful daughter, redeemed, no slave to sin or fleshly desires. Furthermore, I am rejecting what God has done in my heart--revived me, changed my nature from sinful to holy, saved me from my sin. And I am rejecting who God is--powerful, gracious, Sovereign, Redeemer, Protector, Savior, Father.

I encourage you: when you mess up and either eat what you shouldn't have or eat something for the wrong reason, don't give in to the lie that you have blown it or that it doesn't matter. Because it does matter! You matter! You are a daughter of the King, and He loves you and understands your struggle, and He is right there next to you walking down this road with you. Call out to Him, confess your disbelief and trust in His character and his love for you. He loves you with all His heart. You are the object of His affection. I'm not even kidding.

My big, fat problem

My big fat problem is yours, too! And it doesn't just have to do with eating. But in my life, it most often comes out in my idolatry of food. But before I talk about that, let me clarify what I mean by idolatry of food. It's just like the Israelites worshiping their golden calf--they decided that God wasn't enough for them. They didn't believe anymore that God was good enough or loved them enough or had all the answers. They didn't think that he was worth following. So they decided to make up their own god--a god who (in their minds) met their needs in the ways they thought important. I have done the same with food.

Have you ever kept a food journal? It's a great way to analyze what you're eating and your different behavior patterns. In fact, even better than keeping track of what you're eating is keeping track of why you're eating. I am an emotional eater. So I eat when I'm sad, when I'm depressed, when I'm worried, when I'm happy, when I'm elated. For some reason, I think that eating when I'm down will satisfy me or provide me with some kind of temporary happiness. And I think that the blessing of happiness is not enough in and of itself--I think that eating will make it even better. Most of the time, I completely lose sight of the fact that ten minutes from now, after I've eaten this entire sleeve of Girl Scout cookies, I will hate myself. I will plunge into a dark place where I will probably eat more--why not? I've already ruined my diet today, so I might as well go all the way. It will at least bring temporary relief and I can't feel any worse about myself.

That is exactly my train of thought. Instead of turning to the Lord when I am down, or turning to him when I am up, I turn to what I think will bring me delight. What I think will bring me pleasure and satisfaction! I replace God with food. And that is an idol.

Anyway, back to my big, fat problem. Here's the deal: I have this idol, and what it reflects is unbelief in my heart. I do not believe/trust God to be all that I need. I try to take control and handle life myself. If I believed that God loves me as much as he does, and if I believed that God is truly who he says he is, then I would never sin. But my heart won't be sin-free until Heaven! Until then, my heart is still sinful and I will always be susceptible to temptation and idolatry. There is nothing I can do about that. I cannot change my heart.

So, because I like to control my life, I try to change my heart by changing my behavior. That's were I stumbled last time I lost weight. I recognized the heart issue of idolatry and then decided I better clean house by eating right and exercising. Granted, through this self-discipline, a lot of things changed, and God used it in mighty ways. But I couldn't change my heart myself. Modifying behavior does not make me more godly, does not convince me of my need for Christ, does not reveal my sinful heart. Instead, I need to approach the Throne every day, begging for God to heal me of my unbelief.

This is the tricky part. There is no 12-step program for God to change your heart and grow a love for him. We have to recognize we need him to do this for us, and then through discipline, he teaches us! If we aren't praying, then we aren't talking to God. And if we aren't reading our Bible, then we aren't listening to God. And if we are consciously indulging in unhealthy eating habits, we are willingly worshiping our idol--just as blatantly as the Israelites and their golden calf.

Discipline is a huge part of dealing with eating issues, my friends. But please don't stop there. Please understand the heart of your issue. Whether you have control issues or emotional issues, the heart of the issue is refusing to allow God to reign in all areas of your life. Submit this to him now! Pray that he will open your eyes to the truth of the ugliness of your heart, and then lift up your chin to see his glory--his love that wants you to trust him. He will help you because he loves you and he wants to prove to you that he has overcome this sin already on the cross! Stop fighting it, and surrender to his grace.

The first time

Years ago when I shed all the extra weight, I did it by bribing myself. I was so big I didn't even know where to get workout clothes, and I was really embarrassed to even go to the gym. I went to an all-women's gym, which helped, but it was still hard to motivate myself. So I started bribing myself. If I went to the gym and had a good workout, I could stop by Boston Market and get two meals for my supper. Surprisingly, I still lost weight. And quickly! I eventually got to the point where I didn't even need to bribe myself. And where I didn't want to! I started taking pleasure in eating healthy foods.

One day after work, I showed up at my gym and it had closed overnight. What? That's crazy! So I went to the park where there was a path with a one-mile loop. I started jogging, and I didn't stop until I had finished. Twenty minutes later. Even the old people walking were passing me. But I didn't care. For the first time in my life, I had run a mile without stopping. I was so proud/amazed/motivated! I called my sister on the way home, and she said, "Tomorrow, you can run two miles. If you can run one, you can run two. It's all in your head."

So tomorrow, I ran two miles, just like she said. It took me 45 minutes, but I didn't care. I felt so good!

For several years I ran on a regular basis. Again taking the advice of my sister, I signed up for a 5K. I had just moved, so there was no one to cheer me on, but it didn't matter. I ran without stopping and was so moved by the end that I was crying. I never in a million years thought I could ever run a race. Six months later, I ran a half-marathon. It was one of the biggest triumphs of my life!

During that time, I learned a lot about where my heart was. I am an emotional eater, and when I decided to lose weight, I set rules for myself that I refused to break:
1. drink 8 glasses of water every day
2. exercise 5 times a week
3. eat something green every day
4. do not eat after 8pm
5. no carbs

My little program worked. It truly did. But going back to that emotional eating issue...When I had taken away my coping mechanism, what I was left with was a sad little heart that needed Jesus. I started reading my Bible more and more, praying and reading scripture. I joined a serious women's Bible study and grew so much in my understanding of God's character and where my heart was--which was focused on myself and serving my needs. I would take index cards with Bible verses on them running to memorize while I ran, and I started viewing my exercise as a physical act of worship.

A few years later, I found myself married, in graduate school, and with a crazy job that left no time or energy for exercise. In just the span of one year, I grew two sizes. In the span of three years, I had grown four sizes. And looking in the mirror, I saw my heart. My heart that had fallen back into old patterns of eating to console myself. Eating to deal with stress. Eating to avoid. And that avoiding included God.

As much as I was growing spiritually in the midst of the craziness of life, I was secretly refusing to talk to God about my heartbreak over the weight gain and the eating issues. I felt like it was a matter of self-discipline--I just needed to get back into a program. So I did. And I failed. So I tried another program. And I failed again. After several months, I was tired. Heartbroken. Out of ideas. I fell to my knees and begged God to reveal to me what my true heart issue was. I knew that I couldn't fix myself, that I couldn't change my heart, that I was powerless without God. I felt like a quadriplegic reaching for the light switch. I so wanted to understand my heart, but I couldn't do it on my own. I asked my husband and my sister if they could shed any light on my heart issues--if they had any insight on what the deeper issue was and why I couldn't just self-discipline my way back to health. They had no wise words for me. I called out to God, begged him for help, begged him for insight. And then I got an email from my sister. She simply said that she had heard that the book Love to Eat, Hate to Eat was good. So I ordered it right away.

[If you have read this far because you can relate to my story, I strongly encourage you to order this book. I've linked to it on the right side of this blog. As I explore this issue, I will communicate a lot of the concepts she writes about, but it would be most helpful if you read it.]

The first time I sat down to the book, I was moved to tears. God had chosen his medium for revealing my heart to myself and understanding what was at the root of my eating issues. He is opening my eyes to so many things, and although I am noticing heart issues related to my eating habits, those issues don't stop at food. They go into many different areas of my life. I praise God that he is bringing all of this to the surface!! That he has set me free from my sin and that he is faithful to focus my gaze on him and teach me to live as his child, not a slave to my own desires.

I hope you will be encouraged as I take this journey. I will be praying for you! I am eager for God to work miracles in your heart, and I am thrilled that you want him too.

I grew up in a house that emphasized beauty--make-up, tucking in your stomach, holding in your bottom, dieting. From an early age, I struggled to attain a desirable weight. Finally, in my mid-twenties, I started running and eating right. What I discovered was that the physical act of discipline was not nearly as hard as the spiritual and emotional issues that were coming to the surface as I attempted self-discipline.

What I learned about food being an idol was helpful, but it didn't get to the heart of the issue, and my eating spiraled out of control when life got tough. And when life got easy. And when I was sad, or happy, or scared. I failed at all diets and exercise programs--no amount of self-discipline was working. I fell to my knees in utter despair. The deepest despair I had ever known. And Jesus reached out in that dark place, tipped my head up to meet his gaze, and now I am on the path of Grace. Finally understanding the root of the battle that I kept trying to fight, but which had already been won on the cross.

My goal with this blog is to encourage other women who struggle with food. To pray for you and uplift you and to remind you that you are not alone in this! I know what a shameful struggle it is and how alone you feel. But if you are a Christian, you have the Holy Spirit as well as many sisters who understand and want to encourage you. Please join me as we explore this issue together, our faces pointed toward Jesus and looking at our struggles in the light of God's Grace, in the context of his love for his daughters and his sovereignty over us.