The first time

Years ago when I shed all the extra weight, I did it by bribing myself. I was so big I didn't even know where to get workout clothes, and I was really embarrassed to even go to the gym. I went to an all-women's gym, which helped, but it was still hard to motivate myself. So I started bribing myself. If I went to the gym and had a good workout, I could stop by Boston Market and get two meals for my supper. Surprisingly, I still lost weight. And quickly! I eventually got to the point where I didn't even need to bribe myself. And where I didn't want to! I started taking pleasure in eating healthy foods.

One day after work, I showed up at my gym and it had closed overnight. What? That's crazy! So I went to the park where there was a path with a one-mile loop. I started jogging, and I didn't stop until I had finished. Twenty minutes later. Even the old people walking were passing me. But I didn't care. For the first time in my life, I had run a mile without stopping. I was so proud/amazed/motivated! I called my sister on the way home, and she said, "Tomorrow, you can run two miles. If you can run one, you can run two. It's all in your head."

So tomorrow, I ran two miles, just like she said. It took me 45 minutes, but I didn't care. I felt so good!

For several years I ran on a regular basis. Again taking the advice of my sister, I signed up for a 5K. I had just moved, so there was no one to cheer me on, but it didn't matter. I ran without stopping and was so moved by the end that I was crying. I never in a million years thought I could ever run a race. Six months later, I ran a half-marathon. It was one of the biggest triumphs of my life!

During that time, I learned a lot about where my heart was. I am an emotional eater, and when I decided to lose weight, I set rules for myself that I refused to break:
1. drink 8 glasses of water every day
2. exercise 5 times a week
3. eat something green every day
4. do not eat after 8pm
5. no carbs

My little program worked. It truly did. But going back to that emotional eating issue...When I had taken away my coping mechanism, what I was left with was a sad little heart that needed Jesus. I started reading my Bible more and more, praying and reading scripture. I joined a serious women's Bible study and grew so much in my understanding of God's character and where my heart was--which was focused on myself and serving my needs. I would take index cards with Bible verses on them running to memorize while I ran, and I started viewing my exercise as a physical act of worship.

A few years later, I found myself married, in graduate school, and with a crazy job that left no time or energy for exercise. In just the span of one year, I grew two sizes. In the span of three years, I had grown four sizes. And looking in the mirror, I saw my heart. My heart that had fallen back into old patterns of eating to console myself. Eating to deal with stress. Eating to avoid. And that avoiding included God.

As much as I was growing spiritually in the midst of the craziness of life, I was secretly refusing to talk to God about my heartbreak over the weight gain and the eating issues. I felt like it was a matter of self-discipline--I just needed to get back into a program. So I did. And I failed. So I tried another program. And I failed again. After several months, I was tired. Heartbroken. Out of ideas. I fell to my knees and begged God to reveal to me what my true heart issue was. I knew that I couldn't fix myself, that I couldn't change my heart, that I was powerless without God. I felt like a quadriplegic reaching for the light switch. I so wanted to understand my heart, but I couldn't do it on my own. I asked my husband and my sister if they could shed any light on my heart issues--if they had any insight on what the deeper issue was and why I couldn't just self-discipline my way back to health. They had no wise words for me. I called out to God, begged him for help, begged him for insight. And then I got an email from my sister. She simply said that she had heard that the book Love to Eat, Hate to Eat was good. So I ordered it right away.

[If you have read this far because you can relate to my story, I strongly encourage you to order this book. I've linked to it on the right side of this blog. As I explore this issue, I will communicate a lot of the concepts she writes about, but it would be most helpful if you read it.]

The first time I sat down to the book, I was moved to tears. God had chosen his medium for revealing my heart to myself and understanding what was at the root of my eating issues. He is opening my eyes to so many things, and although I am noticing heart issues related to my eating habits, those issues don't stop at food. They go into many different areas of my life. I praise God that he is bringing all of this to the surface!! That he has set me free from my sin and that he is faithful to focus my gaze on him and teach me to live as his child, not a slave to my own desires.

I hope you will be encouraged as I take this journey. I will be praying for you! I am eager for God to work miracles in your heart, and I am thrilled that you want him too.